And The Reason Is You
by starbuckmeggie
Summary: Wannabe Carby...Carby in the making...something of that ilke. It's me--who else do I write about?


Title: And The Reason Is You  
  
Rating: G  
  
Spoilers: Old School–through the end of season 7.  
  
Archive: If you dare.  
  
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah. You know this by now.  
  
Author's Notes: At the end.  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
I think I'm in love.  
  
Or at least I think I'm falling in love.  
  
It's kind of scary, but completely amazing all at the same time.  
  
I've been in so many relationships in the past, and have felt so much for so many people, but no one has ever made me feel anything close to this ever before. No one else has ever made my heart stop and pound all at the same time. No one before has made my breath catch in my throat and remind me how to breathe all at once.  
  
Exhilarating and frightening.  
  
The only problem is this person isn't available for me to fall in love with.  
  
Not that I can do anything to stop myself or how I feel. I don't want to stop this feeling. It feels too right.  
  
It's not as if I planned on falling for her. I always kind of knew I had a thing for her, but at first I thought it was one of those fall-for-you- savior type things. She did save my life, after all. But the pure jealousy I feel when I see her with him...it's not gratitude I feel for her. It's jealousy. Lust. Desire. Want.  
  
Love.  
  
I owe everything in my life to her. I wouldn't be where I am now if she hadn't seen fit to point out what everyone else couldn't or wouldn't see. All the people who'd known me for so long didn't want to believe that I could collapse in on myself like that. It took someone who'd known me all of five, six months to save me.  
  
She gave me a chance to start over again. And I don't want to blow it this time.  
  
I want to start over again with her. I'm tired of running around with different women, trying to complete myself with meaningless one-night stands. I want to build a life. With her.  
  
But I think I've lost my chance. It seems like at every opportunity, I find some way to make a dig at Luka, even if it's subtle, to try to let her know that she's with the wrong guy. To try to let her know that the guy who's going to love her, honor her, cherish her, and worship her, is the guy who is, as always, "just a friend." But she's starting to catch on to my dislike for her taste in men.  
  
I'm guessing my flat-out declaration of the inner-most workings of my heart is what clued her in. And I think that by putting that, more or less, ultimatum out there for her, I've pushed her away, quite possibly for good.  
  
I'm not perfect. I know that. Logically, I know that she's not perfect, either, even though my heart keeps telling me that she is. I even know that we wouldn't necessarily be perfect together. I just know that she's the reason I've changed my life around. One way or another, she's the reason I cleaned up my act and got better. She's the reason I'm starting to become a great doctor. She's why I wake up every morning and go to work. She's why I smile when I think about the hours laying ahead of me, and why I can be happy even when the most horrifying cases fly into my lap.  
  
It all comes down to her.  
  
If only I could find some way to make her understand all this. Without making her head for the hills.  
  
I just want her to understand that I'm a better person because of her.  
  
And I want her to know that she's the reason I fight so hard to stay clean. I don't want her to be disappointed in me. I want to be someone who's worthy of her and her love.  
  
Perfect or not, I'm still not deserving of her time and devotion. At least not in my book. So I suppose that I should be grateful that she's put so much energy into being friends with me. But I'm greedy, and I want more than just her friendship.  
  
I'm also patient.  
  
It's going to take some time for us to get there, if we ever get there. I can wait. She's worth the wait.  
  
She's worth everything.  
  
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Author's Notes: Short, I know. It's five am, cut me some slack. And the idea only came to me a few hours ago. A bit of background–I saw Hoobastank at Kegs'n'Eggs on St. Patty's Day, and they've been in my head since. And their song, "The Reason," is completely wonderful and my first thought was Carby. This story only kinda reflects the lyrics (which you should go check out), and, truthfully, this story is also probably not that good. But I wanted to write something. And for the few of you who care, I haven't abandoned "Oh Very Young." I'm just blocked right now, so be patient. And I appreciate the reviews. Um...I think that's it. Thanks for reading! 


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